Remember me? I know, I know – I always say that. 😉
So I know I typically write about uplifting, fun things including recipes, baby updates and my life with a toddler but, today I want to talk about something I’ve been struggling with for the last 6 months to a year. And that, my friends, is self doubt.
Actually, I can’t say that I’ve only been struggling with this for a short period; it’s something I’ve struggled with as far back as I can remember. Self doubt is defined as, “lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities.”. But to me, I personally feel like it’s not having the ability to allow myself to be confident (does that even make any sense?). In my mind, I am confident in my abilities but the self doubt suppresses said confidence and doesn’t allow for me to push myself to my fullest potential. Hopefully this isn’t just coming out as gibberish and I apologize if so!
Oh geez, there I go apologizing again. If you know me personally, you’ll know that saying sorry for anything and everything is a horrible habit that I’ve had for many years. I’m ALWAYS apologizing for things that don’t even deserve an apology or things that aren’t even my fault – so silly, right? This drives my husband bonkers and to be quite honest, it drives me crazy too! I know it makes me come off as weak and lacking confidence and it’s something that I will continue to work on day to day. Does anyone else out there have this same problem?
My self doubt has been front and center in my mind lately. If you have followed me for a while, you will know that a little over a year ago, I launched my own makeup artistry business, bloom. – Southern Beauty. And if you’ve noticed, I haven’t done a darn thing with it. Ugh. I kicked it off with a bang, I bought my makeup kit, had cards made, launched all of my social sites and website and started bringing on clients. I even picked up a gig doing the makeup for 20 models for an Anthropologie Spring Fashion show. I received wonderful feedback and I loved every second of what I was doing. Now, my makeup kit sits untouched, my website is no longer active and my cards are buried away. So why did I stop?
I started comparing myself to other makeup artists, makeup gurus on Instagram and the stress of keeping up with current trends. I allowed myself to be scared off, in a way, from doing something I am good at, passionate about and completely in love with. I allowed other people to affect me so much that I started to shy away from my business. I launched bloom. as a way to do something I truly enjoyed, to help women feel their best and to feel like I was contributing to my family. I let the self doubt creep in and allowed myself to be my own worst enemy.
“Why would anyone want ME to help THEM?”
“I’m not as good as XYZ.”
“What if people aren’t happy with the end result?”
It’s embarrassing. I feel like I’ve failed myself. I feel like I’ve failed those closest to me who actually believe in me and who have pushed me from the very start.
Self doubt has kept me from kicking my blog up a notch and really giving it my all. I get on myself daily about keeping up with all of the wonderful things fellow bloggers and friends are doing. Why can’t I just push myself to do the same? My husband is my biggest cheerleader and is often feeding me ideas and wonderful inspiration; I appreciate and listen but I don’t put things into motion. Charlee pretty much begs to do more “Cooking with Charlee” videos and people have told me just how much they enjoyed those videos but yet, I haven’t made any lately.
My fear of failure and my self doubt is getting in the way of doing things I truly enjoy and pursuing things that I am actually good at. This is an open letter to MYSELF in hopes that writing this and “putting it out there” will help push me in the right direction.
I see SO many women, men, bloggers, business owners and SAHM’s with side jobs that I look up to and there’s absolutely no reason I can’t join the ranks of them.
The only person keeping me from doing so is myself.
(Thank you for listening and I want you to know that I appreciate each and every one of you who follow along here. You all mean more than you know. )